Nearest nip-slip… worst wax-job… sickest spit swap… and a mortifying snub of that dead actress: KENNEDY reveals the REAL awards for Hollywood’s most humiliating night
The Academy Awards in the age of Trump could have gone one of two ways.
Either Hollywood – the biggest bunch of self-righteous, butt-sniffers on Earth – was going to collectively muster their oblivious indignation and sound off against Donald’s Second Reich… OR… they’d put their tails between their legs.
Thankfully, it was the latter.
A close friend, who happens to be a massive talent agency executive and was in attendance last night, told me that the presenters and nominees were warned to keep their political opinions to themselves and pop an Ozempic-gummy if they were feeling feisty.
Well, it worked! But the new rules may have also resulted in one of the most boring, inconsequential Oscars ceremonies in recent memory.
So, halfway through the slog I decided to spice things up with some categories of my own.
The Academy Awards in the age of Trump could have gone one of two ways. Either Hollywood was going to collectively muster their oblivious indignation and sound off against Donald’s Second Reich… OR… they’d put their tails between their legs. (Pictured: Adrien Brody, Mikey Madison, Zoe Saldana and Kieran Culkin).
A close friend, who was in attendance last night, told me that the presenters and nominees were warned to keep their political opinions to themselves and pop an Ozempic-gummy if they were feeling feisty. (Pictured: Conan O’Brien).
Surprise winner – Hookers!
‘Anora’ – a story about a young Brooklyn call girl who falls for the son of a brutal Russian oligarch – took home five awards, including Best Actress and Best Picture. And director Sean Baker saved his most heartfelt ‘thank you’ for members of the oldest profession (no, not the gaffers union).
‘I want to thank the sex worker community. They have shared their stories, their life experience with me over the years. My deepest respect, thank you. I share this with you.’
All in the name of ‘research’, huh Sean?
Poor memoriam
Gossip Girl actress Michelle Trachtenberg is recently gone and – apparently – totally forgotten.
The 39-year-old former child star was found dead on Thursday, but the heartless Oscars producers left her out of their In Memoriam tribute.
They also forgot to mourn the dead career of Michelle’s former co-star Blake Lively.
Biggest secret war monger
When actress Daryl Hannah was trotted out to present the statuette for best editing – she emitted a barely audible ‘Slava Ukraini’ (translation: Glory to Ukraine).
It was the most political moment of the night – and you could sense that crew members backstage were readying the cattle prod for her.
Most deserved ovation
Beside the closing credits, the most warmly received moment of the night was when Los Angeles firefighters, who gallantly battled the Palisades and Eaton fires, were honored.
The raucous applause they received was nice, but – next time – how about giving them water and a real mayor?
‘Who let the boobs out’ award
I completely missed Molly O’Brien’s speech after winning Best Documentary Short for ‘The Only Girl in the Orchestra’ because I was on the edge of my seat waiting for a wardrobe malfunction.
Lady, this is the Oscars, not the Golden Globes! The award should have gone to the inventor of double-sided tape.
I completely missed Molly O’Brien’s speech after winning Best Documentary Short for ‘The Only Girl in the Orchestra’ because I was on the edge of my seat waiting for a wardrobe malfunction.
Worst musical performance
There were some real ear-bleeders from Doja Cat’s awful rendition of ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ to Oscars host Conan O’Brien’s – sadly floppy – comedic opening number.
But the worst of the bunch came from a woman named Raye, dressed as Amy Winehouse-in-drag, who butchered Adele’s ‘Skyfall’.
Most gag-inducing skit
Indeed, I’d hoped Conan was going to save this stinker, but things got gory fast as he popped out of a slit in actress Demi Moore’s meat sack of a body in a vile nod to her movie ‘The Substance.’
Let’s say it didn’t live up to Billy Crystal’s 1997 Oscars parody of The English Patient. And it was still dinner time of the East Coast.
Someone pass the Pedialyte
Best joke/legal complaint
Even our ginger-flavored bag o’ giggles seemed to hate the show as it dragged on into its fourth hour. He darkly moaned, ‘If you’re still enjoying the show, you have something called Stockholm Syndrome.’
His funniest joke came halfway through the evening. ‘It’s time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile,’ he said, referencing the rapper-feud that crescendoed at the Super Bowl.
‘Don’t worry, I’m lawyered up!’ he re-assured the gobsmacked crowd.
Oh please people, you’ve worked for worse.
The worst musical performance of the bunch came from a woman named Raye, dressed as Amy Winehouse-in-drag, who butchered Adele’s ‘Skyfall’.
Longest gum toss
Speaking of horrid Hollywood monsters of the past.
As Adrien Brody walked to the stage to accept his Best Actor award for his role in ‘The Brutalist,’ he suddenly stopped – spit his chewing gum into his hand – and tossed it to his partner, Harvey Weinstein-ex, Georgina Chapman.
Gross! But I guess she’s had something far more wretched in her hands.
Apparently, she’ll take anything to get into the front row at the Oscars.
Most unstable winner
We all assumed this would go (as usual) to Kieran Culkin, whose Best Supporting Actor win appeared to arouse an angry, bleeped-out ‘f***k!’ from Edward Norton. But it was hysterically-screeching Zoe Saldaña who looked most in need of a valium and straitjacket.
Weirdly she didn’t thank her canceled-transgender costar Karla Sofia Gascon after grabbing Best Supporting Actress.
Gascon, who was once a progressive darling suddenly became a grotesque outcast after her resurfaced tweets offended the PC-police.
Hollywood has changed. But they’ll always be fickle.
Second most annoying speech
This went to Best Song winner Camille who composed the music for ‘Emilia Perez’.
She started singing in such a humiliating display that even her collaborator and romantic partner scurried off the stage.
New Oscars rule: If you deliver the worst speech of the night, you will be stripped of your Oscar and the golden man will be handed to the next highest vote-getter.
Best impression of an Easter candy
Timothee Chalamet won for his spot-on Peeps-yellow suit, which would’ve been chic and avant-garde had he won, but he just looked like a sad, melting creamsicle next to his eyerolling girlfriend in her tacky dress.
Where is the graceful Kardashian when you need one, you know… Caitlyn Jenner?
Worst facial hair
We all thought this would go to Selena Gomez’s sasquatchian-partner Benny Blanco, who was apparently late for the show as he was in the salon chair having his back-hair braided.
The real award went to Miley Cyrus’s nonexistent eyebrows. She’s reminding me more of Billy Ray by the day.
The real award for worst facial hair went to Miley Cyrus’s nonexistent eyebrows. She’s reminding me more Billy Ray by the day.
Timothee Chalamet won for his spot-on Peeps-yellow suit, which would’ve been chic and avant-garde had he won, but he just looked like a sad, melting creamsicle next to his eyerolling girlfriend in her tacky dress.
Most excited diva
No, this didn’t go to Whoopi Goldberg in her blue Fruit Roll-Ups dress as she posthumously praised Quincy Jones. (Her presenting partner – walking Ozempic Winfrey – kept nauseatingly referring to him as ‘Q’).
The winner was Elton John who clapped uproariously for Mick Jagger, but the Rocket Man legend is so blind he accidentally thought he was applauding for Miley Cyrus.
Best ‘rested’
In Elton’s defense, Mick Jagger did look very sexy.
If someone is doing his cosmetic surgery, that work deserves a lifetime achievement award.
And maybe someone can pass his business card along to Goldie Hawn.
